Keeping up-to-date

As I lay beside my husband and newborn who are sleeping at 4:30am I have nothing but a ton of things on my mind. 

Pumping milk is going okay. It's hard, especially since the size breast shields I have are too big so my boobs feel bruised. Until the new, smaller size comes in on Friday I'm pretty much stuck pumping what I can with the bigger ones. But once the correct size comes in I'm hoping to be able to increase my output. Right now I'm either making exactly what he needs or under it so we end up supplementing with formula. 

Although I don't mind the formula (and I've contemplated numerous times about switching) it's frustrating not being able to pump enough even though I'm putting in all this effort. Especially size I baked milk cookies last night. 

On the other front, Big E is finally starting his job today. It runs from 11am until 7pm most days (though they sometimes go over). It's a much nicer schedule than the army. At least we'll see him in the morning and some at night before Little E goes to bed. The army Big E would go in at about 5:30am (before Little E and I would wake up) and he wouldn't get off most the time until about 6pm or later. It got frustrating. 

We also had somewhat good news too. We got pre-approved for a home loan and that means we can start looking. Our range is $70k-$100k. Of course I think we want to stick mainly in the $80k-$90k range. We found one nice house but eventually I'd want to change some things out. Plus there's not many windows, which I'm iffy about, but it's not a horrible house. It's definitely within our range. 

Also, one part of me is desperate to just buy a house now and the other part knows not to rush into the first house we see. I'll be happy when we do move into our own place, though. It'll be nice to have our own space finally. 

The idea has also made me start searching for a job again. If only my course for the army wasn't getting in the way right now. I'm just hoping I don't get an interview while I'm away there. But we could just squeak by with Big E's pay and my drill pay, I would just like somewhat of a cushion with our income. It'd help more if I could find either an overnight shift or weekend only if I do part time. Otherwise we have to make sure it's worth it for me to work full time and send the kids to daycare. Little E is already going to cost about $500/month for daycare with preschool included. Which isn't bad, I'm just worried about how much Squirt is going to cost us. I'll have to find a few places and their rates. 

Alright, so it's 5am now and I need to get some sleep before everyone starts waking up again. 

I spoke too soon: breastfeeding was a bust

After feeling overwhelmed and spending 2 hours last night in the bathroom crying I have finally given up breastfeeding. When I posted last week I was still trying, but something snapped last night. I was feeding Squirt in the middle of the night and I just couldn't deal with it. So I put him down on the bed and hid in the bathroom. Of course that left poor Big E to take care of him and make him a bottle of formula. 

I didn't even care to come out while listening to my baby cry because he was hungry. Or that I didn't finish feeding him. 

It's more than just having to hide out while I fed him. Or that I was the only one feeding him. Even though those contributed. 

So today I woke up after Big E let me sleep in (finally!) and pumped. And I've been pumping all day either right before or after Squirt ate. Then fed him what was pumped in a bottle. I felt happier all day (no dealing with nipple shields or a baby wanting to nurse for hours on end). I didn't even have an urge to want to breastfeed him anymore. 

This may work out. 

Either way he was going to have to start really taking bottles anyway since I'll be going away with the military next month and the month after. 

I'll probably start to slowly wean him. I haven't decided if I want to pump at night or just give him formula at night. Either way we need to switch because I definitely didn't get close to enough milk pumped for when I'm away. And I really don't think it's worth the stress trying to build a supply back up when I get home. Especially if I'm still looking for a job (which I most likely will be). 

So anyone in the same boat wanting to make the switch, you're not alone. No matter what anyone says about how you feed or raise your baby, in the end your sanity and happiness is what matters. Your baby deserves a happy mother. 

1 month update and postpartum

Squirt's past week of life has been highly challenging. He's been on what I like to call a "feeding frenzy." Basically he's been eating what feels like nonstop lately and it's been difficult. A lot of days I sometimes wonder why we had a second (I still love him and don't wish otherwise, just missing sleep). Height and weight I don't have since the pediatrician here only does a 2 week and 2 month appointment so I can't update on those other than saying he's gotten big. He is officially in size 1 diapers and 0-3 month clothes now. It makes me a little sad in that crazy mother way, but I'm glad he's growing. And he's more alert lately. He's started staying up more and looking around at things. Granted he still sleeps a lot, but he's becoming more focused. 

One month postpartum. I've begun working out. Running and arm exercises  it feels great too. Postpartum bleeding is pretty much gone. I sometimes get some spotting but barely. It's better than after Little E where I bled for 6 weeks straight. 

I am still breastfeeding, I think I was just worn out from no sleep and having to sit alone so much that I had a breakdown. And, honestly, I feel as if everyone forgets I just had a baby and will be emotional or I'm just too tired/hurt to want to cook (or do anything else for that matter). Add in the stress of now having to find a job and I have a tendency to lose it sometimes but have to try to act normal it feels like.

Which is why I feel I'm missing where we used to live with the military. The weather was horrible most of the time but we were financially stable so we could do things, we had no one around to help but I dealt with that because I had my independence, and most of all we had our own place to live with enough room to do it. I'm just missing that part of our life lately. 

My stomach still looks rounded, which is a bummer. I did start wearing shapewear this past week. I just got a cheap $15 brand from walmart so when I need a size smaller I won't spend more than $30 total. I did get a generic postpartum binder but it bunches up in the back and isn't very comfortable so I just wanted something different. That should help my muscle separation some (even though it's maybe 1 finger width now). 

If you look at my postpartum pictures I'm definitely improving. 

17 hrs PP vs. 4 weeks PP

Weight loss

Current: 172.4

Total lost: 23.6

To go: 22.4

I finally lost more than I need to go. 

Jalee

3 weeks postpartum

Wow I can't believe it's been 3 weeks already. Yes, it's not that long but it is with a baby. 

Squirt is doing good. Though he likes to wake up around 3am and stay awake for 3 or so hours. And he doesn't seem to want to stop eating ever. 

Speaking of eating, I'm done breastfeeding. I kind of don't want to stop, but I do. I'm just tired of having to hide in a bedroom most of the day while I feed him. Not to mention it's an extremely messy bedroom with little room to move around because of 3 of us living in 1 room. Plus the constant eating. I feel like I feed him for an hour or more at a time and he's still hungry. And it still hurts some even though his latch is fine and he doesn't eat without a nipple shield (which is probably what's causing the pain since it feels like I've been rubbed raw). 

I'm just done feeling like I can't even fit in a shower. I guess things would be easier if we lived in our own place, but we don't. Add in that I'll be starting to wean in about 2-3 weeks anyway. I don't think I'll be able to go to training and come home then try to build my supply again. I don't think I'll have time to pump while I'm there so I'd have to temporarily wean, Squirt would need to be supplemented while I'm gone, and I'd have to build my supply up again when I got home.

I feel like I'm just constantly full of excuses but I can't deal with the stress anymore. I'm just happy I made it this long. 

Now I just have to figure out how to wean him. Maybe drop a feeding a day for a couple days and then drop another one. 

Anyway, postpartum. I'm seeing my stomach going down a little, but not much. Breastfeeding isn't doing anything drastic in the weight loss area from when I was formula feeding Little E. I actually pulled out the pants I bought for after Little E (I bought size 12 to start, then each size down after that till I fit my prepregnancy jeans again) and I'm just fitting in the size 12. So it's really not doing much. 

I did jog once so far this week. It was more like a shuffle and I walked when I wanted to for half a mile. But I felt great so I may do it again. I can't believe how bad of shape I'm in, but I have to start somewhere again. 

Weight tracker

Lost: 176.4lbs

Total: 19.6lbs

To go: 26.6lbs

No pictures this week, sorry. 

Jalee